The Stuff of Marching Band
by nickjonasandmusic
Summary: Mix of Survival Guide to Marching Band, You Know You're in Band If..., and some inside jokes of all the band stuff, mainly marching band. Anyone in band or is going into marching band next year should definitely read this! Rated T for some minor cussing.
1. Chapter One

**You Know You're In Band If.../A Survival Guide to Marching Band **

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You're a band geek if you're über excited about next year's marching band 2 weeks after it ends.

When you were in middle school, you could hear the marching band from your front yard.

You could also hear the band directors on the mic cussing at rare times and shouting often "Do it again!" and "C'mon you pansies!"

The Front Ensemble is nicknamed the Fromble or Pit in marching band terms.

Everyone either dislikes or hates one of the drum majors, yet you love them anyway.

Suddenly, you now have about 200 new brothers and sisters when you join high school band.

You hang out with your marching band family more than your actual family.

You love playing the "Yellow Car!" game

You also know what "The Game" is...*aww I lose! Damn!*

You laugh on the inside because the tallest band director, the one that's over 6'2, is scared of heights. Especially the levy-lift.

There's always an argument which group is the best. (...mellos, drumline, or saxophones?) *Easy...SAXOPHONES!!!!*

You've dreamt of throwing Dr. Beat off of the school's roof or off the levy-lift.

You were laughing hysterically on the inside when the band dirctor "accidentally" knocked Dr. Beat off the levy-lift, 30 feet up. (This was one of my favorite moments in marching band season!)

You hate that somehow Dr. Beat lived from that traumatic fall.

In one of your sets, you're two feet in front of Dr. Beat. Or it's gone off by itself while you were talking to the drum majors during water break.

Suddenly everyone loves you if you either like to share food, water, or have awesome back/hand massaging skills.

ALWAYS bring water, and at least make it a half-gallon.

NEVER wear a black or gray t-shirt. You'll regret it. You should always wear white.

You're hands have been burnt at least once from doing push-ups on the concrete practice field.

There's always a race who can get back to their spots in between sets. (Saxophones usually win.)

There's also a race who can get to the set just yelled by the band director after a water break. (Mellos or trumpets...usually.)

Fishing is life. If you don't know what kind I'm talking about, then you aren't a true marching band person. And if you know but disagree...epic fail! (A little help to you curious ones...you pretty much tap from one foot to the other going backwards on your toes without lifting your legs. Fun fun fun!!!!)

One of your band directors always have these weird little slogans to help be a pep talk booster.

If you fall, whether at practice, a game, or competition, always try to make it look like a Michael Jackson move and GET BACK UP!!!! (I know from experience and by accident this somehow worked!)

You and your band friends have more inside jokes than you can count.

Any number past 20 is in-important in marching band terms.

NEVER get a guard person angry, especially if they have their weapon in hand, twirling. (Saber, rifle, or flag? So many death options...)

Always listen to your upperclassmen, unless they're trying to pull a prank.

You're adopted by at least one upperclassman during marching season.

You think July camp is bad? Wait until crunch time in October.

Don't complain to the upperclassmen. They'll ignore you or say "Suck it up!". So don't try.

Clarinets are evil. Plain and simple.

If a tuba tries to hug you (especially a junior/senior tuba)....RUN!!!!

Never give candy or energy drinks to the drumline, flutes, trumpets, or tubas.

Tubas usually call the trombones boners and saxophones sexyphones.

You get awesome yet weird band tans. (Anyone who wears gloves such as baritones or mellos and neck straps for saxes knows what I am talking about!)

Your heart stops if someone drops their instrument. (Shout-out to Curtis!!!!)

If you leave the band, we either send ninjas to get you/kill you or organize a kidnapping party ourselves.

You've been kidnapped by the band at least once in your high school marching career.

Your band director has a little mascot to bring to the pep talk before competiton (Tony the Turtle! I think that's his name...)

When the football team is on the field, you yell "What are you doing on our marching field?!?!!"

You also yell at them "Hey guys! You're making it look shitty! We make it look good!"

At practice, if the director says "Do it again!", he's serious.

If they yell "Last run-through!", it never is.

You have a bus dubbed the Couple's Bus.

The guard always try and get a bus of their own but usually they ride the Couple's Bus or share with the drumline/pit bus.

You realize that even though the charter buses are amazing comfy, there isn't a lot of privacy.

If you're in marching band, you learn to be an insomniac or being able to fall asleep anywhere at anytime, including standing up.

Diamond push-ups are SO last year. Try clap push-ups without scraping your face off.

You've been adopted by at least one upperclassman during your freshman year. (Shout-out to Christian I'm adopting you!!!!)

You know you have to have a perverted sense of mind to survive marching band, especially saxophones.

It helps if you don't mind some cussing too.

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*There's a lot more where that came from! Comment and review please and if you have any funny ones or liked a particular one let me know! I'll be writing soon!*

~nickjonasandmusic~


	2. Chapter Two

**You Know You're In Band If.../A Survival Guide to Marching Band **

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What happens in marching band, stays in marching band.

More accurately, what happens in the drumline, stays in the drumline.

Don't be surprised if some guy on pit or drumline is running down the band hallway yelling "I CAN'T FIND MY STICKS!!!!"

It's natural seeing a girl running down the band hall yelling if someone has a tampon, but forgets that the band office is stocked with them.

There are too many jokes about the pit's "ball-sticks" that are played on vibes.

You make fun of info-mercials.

You make fun of those silly commercials on T.V. (Shout-out to Laura: BUMP ITS! SHAMWOW!)

Never invade another section's water break area to try and claim as your own section's. Then you have a band war on your hands.

You love the chaperones because they give you free sugar and water on bus rides. (BAD IDEA on sugar but who cares?)

It's scary watching the trumpets doing a grind line.

It's horrifying when the whole brass line's is pretty much doing a grind line.

You laugh because now the whole friking band is doing it.

If the trumpets can make your lead band director join in, then take pictures. Or run for your life. Take your pick.

Tenor saxophones always get confused with the quads or "tenors" and are usually forgotten. (Example-assistant director is asking most of the woodwinds to play a certain part and he calls off "Okay clarinets, flutes, and altos play measure so-and so." Tenor sax senior says "Uh sir you forgot we play that too!" Director replies "Oh yeah you guys too.")

If you're ever in jazz band, NEVER believe that the director's "good" idea is good because it's going to involve chaos. (For instance my jazz band's playing Feelin' the Funk as our finale and half the song brass and extra basses don't play so the director is letting them dance in the crowd. SO NOT A GOOD IDEA!!! As soon as he said it he looked up and said "God what have I done?? I've unleashed the brass!" lolz love you guys!)

Sectionals is where everything gets done, but at the same time it's just a place where you can goof off.

You learn to sleep standing up on command, or on other people or on desks pushed together.

Hackeysack is the name of the game. The saxophones always get blamed if anything gets broken, even if a trumpet, mello, or tuba did it.

Monsters and skittles are the number one things that are eaten by tubas, although they're hyper as it is without it.

You cry at the senior's last competiton. And their graduation.

Freshmen are freshies and sophomores are softies, but sophomores don't like them being called softies by the freshies.

You laugh at the hardest set where you have to watch a trombone lifting their whole horn above a baritone's head, even though you feel sorry.

When someone falls, you ask if they're okay. If they are, laugh, THEN help them up.

The most awkward thing is when you're dating someone in your own section and then you break up.

There is always a fight which drum core is the best. (Cavaliers sorry it's true!)

It's super awkward when you're hosting a competiton and you have to help the guard out, but one of them is a guy.

You appreciate if you're not in guard when you have to help that guest guard take the flags back to their trailer.

NINJA! is amazing. If you disagree, the rest of the band is after you. (The object of the game is to hold a ninja posistion until a) it's your turn or b) someone is about to hit you. then you make your move or move your hands out of the way. if you slap another person's hands, you win. If they hit your hands, you lose.)

When a guard asks you to help tease their hair, it is deadly work.

Girl freshies freak out when they first put the shakos on becuase some people (like me) have really thick hair.

If you've come close to passing out, then you were putting enough effort in without killing yourself.

You hate doing your drills inside because the floor seems to be waxed every other day.

You march in rain, snow, wind, heat, and cold, but you only worry what it's going to do to your instrument.

If the pit starts worrying about their instruments, then it's pretty serious weather.

It is a rare yet awesome omen if the "band gods" give you ten minutes of pouring rain in the middle of July camp.

Another favorite memory of your marching season was right before a big competition, at the climax of your ballad, the band gods give you a shiny sun on an overcast day, then go back to clouds when Act III begins.

When you only have a minute left to get to class, you don't run. You jazz run.

Tenor and baritone saxophones always have to worry at set while marching because when you're in a tight formation, your instrument can get easily hit.

If you've ever seen a bari and tenor sax run back to their sets, hit each other and their instruments, then crash to the ground, you know that we (I mean **they!** I was the tenor that hit the bari senior) were running pretty fast.

It's a miracle if your instrument gets saved when you fall/crash, but you only have damage.

Marching band is a corrupting influence on your mind. Even the most innocent little freshie can be corrupted. (Shout-out to Mam'zelleCombeferre! Thanks!)

When the drumline play their cadence at the end of the day, the rest of the band walk/march/fish in time back inside until the song is done.

You love the levy-lift when it's down at water break because it provides shade and a seat for the smart people rather than share a tree for shade with the rest of the tubas and woodwinds.

You realize which freshmen either enjoy marching band or aren't weak when instrument appreciation day comes around. (Baritones switch with trumpets, flutes with clarinets, etc., during block.)

You also know which ones aren't wimps if they complain or not.

If a bet in band camp involves monkey humps, don't accept the bet.

Avert your eyes girls if you ever see a guy doing a monkey hump. It's weird and wrong on so many levels.

There are way too many "Your MOM!", "In My Pants", and "That's What She Said (TWSS)!" jokes in marching band.


	3. Chapter Three

**You Know You're In Band If.../A Survival Guide to Marching Band **

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Competitions are scheduled dates for band couples. Benefits are chaperones who don't care about PDA that much.

You survive on Subway and Chic-fil A during marching season.

You hate the sudden horn lift, but that's when you get to pwn.

You try not to laugh at rehersal when the quads add "SUCK IT!" and the visual at the end of their one measure of fame.

Never ask the band to sing their parts. It will hurt your ears.

We were in band for a reason. We cannot sing to save our lives.

You never liked the shows that involved tubas wearing a beret instead of a "naked" head. (aka no shakos)

You have a ninja escape in your band room's roof.

Your band army is never complete without assassins, ninjas, and the guard.

You sing on the band bus "99 Bottles of Monster on the Wall", rather than the one about beer or coke.

You've seen the videos on Youtube where there is a big trombone or flute pileup from a trip and cringe.

You know that when the directors make the triangle sign, it either means balance, in musical terms, or horn angle.

You play MarioKart to pass the time on bus trips.

Don't laugh if the directors' drop their drill sheets up on the levi-lift; just try to catch the fallen sheets while marching.

You love TURF!!!!!! It's heaven compared to a regular field's hell.

You swear the tubas are trying to rape each other when they give their "tuba hugs".

You play/watch the game of who can say "Happy-Unbirthday!" first. (This is usually won by the trumpets. But then again, it's trumpets vs. flutes only in my marching band.)

You cried when you didn't make it to State by 4/10ths of a point.

You cry at least once every marching season.

You have a secret handshake within your section, and no other section can quite copy it.

You notice that when there are storm clouds during summer band camp, they just seem to skirt around your high school.

You've seen someone do a trombome suicide. The question is, do they pwn or fail?

Your two favorite words to say to someone who tripped is "Epic Fail!"

You have at least one rental instrument in your band that puts a curse of falling on a freshman. (Sadly, the tenor senior had it his freshman year, and so did I. We both fell at least twice very hard.)

You have the ability to trip over a flat surface, but are able to battle it out when you're on a shitty football field.

Either the mellophones or the saxophones have the most perverted minds ever in marching band terms.

The annoncers always mess up names. They've said some inappropriate-sounding names from the actual pronounciation.

NEVER call your directors' Mom/Dad. Bad ending for you.

You've heard the rumor that if the assistant director is mad at you, he wont't kill you...he'll eat you.

Anyone will ask for duct tape rather than a band mom to fix their denim jeans in marching band.

You LOVE Swedish Fish!!!!!!

(If you don't know what Swedish Fish is, you are a deprived person!)

We aren't afraid to sing in band class our melody. We're terrified if we have to do it anywhere else.

Before and after school, 90% of the band kids will be in the band hallway.

You hate the marching band shoes because they're ugly fashion-wise.

You love your marching band shoes because they are surprisingly comfy on the field.

Tuning is vital. You get so many jokes out of that time though. ("Pull it out! Push it in harder!" TWSS jokes galore!)

You hate it when the upperclassmen saxophones tell you it's a "no neck-strap" block, rehersal, day, or all of the above.

You hate it that the ones who used to be your best band friend's in middle school have become someone you don't even know.

They say the answer to the question of the universe is 42, but in tuning, what about 40? (442 and 440.)

You never practice during July camp because you're doing 40 hours a week for band.

You hate all the fundraisers you have to do, but you like the formal they put on (another fundraiser; end of year) and the car wash at the beginning of band camp.

You have to know how to translate "weed" (reed) talk to all of your percussion friends.

You laugh at the brass's 1 and 3 joke. (They pretty much flip a judge off with an alternate fingering.)

If you're a freshman band marcher and you have innocent mind, you don't fall into the gutter of pervertedness; we push you into the gutter.

Your other teachers think the tuner's annoying clicks of time are someone's cellphone going off.

There really is no marching dress code during the summer, as long as it covers around shoulders to 3" below butt.

Wear sunscreen or you're going to die during July camp!

No one cares if we do well at the parent preview night; they'll love you anyway whether you squeak or not.

In marching band, there is no French horn or mellophone puberty.

You know that your breathing, arm, and leg muscles are stronger after marching band is over. Then you get fat after winter!!!

You just learned that the marching band breathing excercies are equal to doing aerobics for 30 minutes.

You tell your left from your right by which foot you step off from set.


	4. Chapter Four: The Final Chapter

**You Know You're In Band If.../A Survival Guide to Marching Band**

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Don't be "that" guy.

Band nerds cheer for band nerds at the boring awards ceremony.

You're either a ninja, an assassin, a badass, a ghost/creeper or a victim in band. (Me is a ninja)

You grieve for anyone who's quitting band completely; unless they're just leaving because they don't like band in general then you kick some butt ^-^

Chuck Norris. That's all that's needed to be said.

Your white shirts at the end of band camp are ruined from sweat, blood, tears, and in a saxophone's case, the neck strap marks.

You laugh at the end of the year when you realize you still have drill sheets in your locker.

It's even worse if you still have your marching shoes in your locker as well.

"I want one of those!" (Hey Nate!)

"I don't think that's a good idea..." (Randy!)

"Don't touch that!" (Thanks Adam!)

"Does somebody need a hug?"

"Do you want a side of Epic with that dish-out of a Fail?"

"OH YEAAHH!" (Chewy!

"Intellectual Badass!" (Evan I'm not saying it in Spanish. FYI to everyone don't do it! There's a curse on it!)

"Are you going to the Game this Friday? Cuz I know you're going to lose!" (Hint: a way to say you just lost the Game! ^-^)

You work a job with 40 hours per week when you're in band camp; because that is your job!

"You can DO IT!"

"When you're here, you're band family"

You're excited and sad when your old practice field is gone but you get a full-length practice field. (Shout-out to Daniel! We'll miss your mellophone island!)

When you're in marching band, you get to know how to play a lot of card games. (Mao, B.S., E.R.S., and 3-13)

Fedoras are Da Bomb

It's natural to see a fellow band-mate in pajamas when it's before 7:30 a.m. on a band camp day at school.

When it's raining, be more worried about your horn than yourself.

If you're an upperclassmen, you watch out for the undermen but give the orders. Freshies; listen to them! And if you're a sophomore it can change from some leadership to an uderclassmen day to day.

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(I forgot to add this last one because this is my favorite quote!)

"If you guys see someone slow down on the 2 lane highway just to stop traffic and honk at you guys at practice, you know the community loves you. Now back to the last set slowpokes!" (Personal shout-out to our assistant director! =)

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This is the last chapter. I did make this one more quotes because I love them. I've pretty much ran out of advice and I can't give away all the inside jokes; it's not right. I hope you liked this little advice/band quote list!


	5. Chapter Five: I Shall Continue!

**You Know You're In Band If.../A Survival Guide to Marching Band**

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It's funny to see freshmen sweat for what you think is a piece of cake.

Even you, an off key singer, joins in for the song's "Hey Baby!" chorus at pep band, waving your instrument in the air (gently and not recklessly).

Your instrument is your baby.

The glock shall always win. Unless they're is a pretty strong (drum)stick hitting it lol.

If your show is truly challenging, the directors make everyone, including guard, drumline, pit, and winds to condition by running around the school before block.

Parents sometimes freak out when they hear their children talk about being killed with "kill the band" stretch.

If you can't count how many jumping jacks you can do, why are you in band? lolz EPIC FAIL!

Once again, I lost the game! (Yes I made you lose again I know I'm evil! ^-^)

The directors say everyone in band can sing and be in choir, but there is an obvious reason why we're in band!

You know the directors say they love the brass over the woodwinds at brass ensemble, and vice versa at the woodwind ensemble.

You know the highest Heat Index (H.I.) temperature that outdoor activities are allowed to be out and about.

Scissor action! 'Nuff said.

Seniors are priceless.

No bouncing otherwise you fail.

When you walk the halls right before sectionals, it isn't surprising to see all of the low saxes on top of chairs, fishing to and playing the school song.

If you wonder about when teachers see them from line above, they just close the door and walk away.

Don't cuss. At least in front of most of the directors/volunteers.

They're is a record time to see who can burn from the sun the fastest (I hold it here with 3 minutes!)

You get the most amazing tans.

When a volunteer/director tells you to follow the leader in drill, you get the song "we're following the leader, the leader, we're following the leader, wherever we may go" song from Peter Pan.

On movie night, the disney movies always win the vote!

Again, you all lost the GAME! (I'm so bad ass! And a jerk I know ^-^)

-How many times have I said that? I think I'm having a blond moment-

The directors' ultamite word: Again

The new directors' phrase: Let's go, Let's go...Let's GO!

Eat the fart, for all you trumpet players.

It's pretty sad when the shortest person tries to jump over the tallest contrabass. Do I mention he is holding his contrabass?

Saxophones...assume the bazooka position!

3 minutes in real time=30 seconds in band time. For water breaks anyway.

10 minutes in real time-1 hour in band time. For long sets anyway.

You know that the guard will kill you if you have coffee.

Ditto if any of the brass find out you have a Moutain Dew or an energy drink.

It gets...fun and interesting in sextional (oops I mean sectional) rooms.

NEVER EVER try to hug a band director, especially the ginger on a bad day.

If you don't know what Drum Core International is, someone will slit your throat. Most likely me.

Cavaliers rock, Blue Devils suck. (I mean really 1.5 point difference this year? Cavies totally should have had the win!)

You walk oddly when you are at the grocery store and your parents point it out that you're semi marching.

Band joke (from director): "What did the green grape say to the purple grape? 'BREATHE!'"

A senior quote for the low saxes-"Size does matter"

The band inbreeds. (From what I know) Not literally, but there are a TON of in-band couples.

Astroturf=every band's dream of a proper field

Only the band stays true to 'dress your best' the day before a huge competiton, when it's Spirit Week, and the day is a sweats day.

They always put an encouraging "GOOD LUCK "" BAND" banner right behind all the main sports banners in the main hall.

Band moms hate it when you don't clean your shoes.

Or not have clean gloves or fall during a preformance, for that matter.

Saxophones usually will name their instruments. Other sections will too, such as drumline.

You hate preforming with the sun in your eyes, but you must know the shako trick to overcome it.

It's worse to preform in the wind, the cold, or the rain. Or better yet, a combination of all three.

"How many 2nd trumpets does it take to screw a lightbulb?" None, 'cause they can't reach that high

"What are two things trombone kids can't do at a playground?" They can't slide, and they can't swing.

Tuba bells=GIANT LIGHTHOUSES

Summer should not be alive when it's late October.

However, you wish it was when it's a few weeks later, sections huddled up like penguins, creating a heat glob.

From mentioned heat glob above, it's the only time you're glad you're short and/or a freshman. You're in the middle!

Never give fire or anything that can be made as an explosion to any band member, at any time. It's a bad case scenario.

It's bad (yet funny) when the announcers mess up the drum majors and band directors' names.

It's even more hilarious when the audience yells the corrections and the announcer loses his job for the day. (True story)

When you learn about Spartacus in World History, you think of the Phantom Regiment's 2008 show. (That was TRUE Bad Ass case)

You hate it when someone drops a cymbal and is just marching around, PO-ed at themself. It's worse if it's a national band.

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*A.N.*-I decided to add more chapters. I may randomly call it complete someday, but please comment/add/review. It's very appreciated and I thank for the support that I have gotten these past months. I'm sorry I haven't written as much as I wanted and updated since...several months ago. I've been busy with band/school/life in general, but I will try when I can. Send me reviews so I can add your band advice/funny jokes/mini-story of what to do/not to do in band! The contrabass one was an example of a review put up, so thanks for whoever said that!


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